We are the Greek Gods
by esthe.la
Summary: Do you think you really know the greek gods? Are you sure? Or not?They've made a presentation for us... the first one is Hermes. Please, rr pg13 for language. COMPLETE
1. Hermes

HERMES.

Hello, my friends! My name is Hermes, god of the thieves, eloquence and trading. I'm also Zeus' messenger. That's why I was sent to do this presentation. One day, I met a peasant that mentioned all the names of my annoying brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, etc., in his rural words. Here's our conversation:

HERMES: Greetings, good plebeian. How are you?

PEASANT: To tell da truth, I'm not very wale.

HERMES: Why do you say so? Today is a nice day.

PEASANT: Noooo... I have been workin' hard and I need A RESt.

HERMES: The rest is good for everybody, but also is the work. It's good for plants, animals, mortals, gods...

PEASANT: Gods? There aren't any gods at the Olimpus. They're only havin' fun.

HERMES: I don't think so. The gods are good, dilligent, loving...

PEASANT: Are you drunk? They don't even ZEe US! If they were all that, they would RHEAbilitate the Earth. But don't talk about that anymore. I'll tell you a storie. Once upon a time there was a gurl whoos name was Hepha. She was cleaning her room because she didn't want her sista Dion to get angry at her. Her sisat's wrATH ENAbled the alarm of the mountain, and made it shake until they were tossed of it. So, she was cleaning HER MESs before Dion arrived. One hour later, she desided to take A RESt. She sitted on a chair and started to eat an APOLL, Only an apoll. Suddenly, she heard a noise.

'DION, YS US?', she asked a little afraid.

'Yes, is we. Who were you waitin' for? An ART EMISsary?'

'No. I'm glad you arrived.'

'Really?'

'Yes'

'Why aren't you doin' the clean? You are now in a POSE IDONeous for a picture, but not for workin'

'Sorry, Dion. I'll be workin' right now.'

'Good' Then, Dion started to change her clothes beecus she was goin out with the HEST IAn who was the hest of the town's inn, and shee liked him a lot. She wanted to wear her pink pers with her white shoes, but she couldn't find it.

'Hepha, have you seen my pers?'

Hepha knew that if she didn't tell her sista where her pers was, she would get angry.

'Er... your PERS...E...PHONEd a little time ago, and she said she would bee at the laundry.'

'Are you tryin to make a fool of me? HA! DESpite of my great intale eegens!'

'No, Dion, I'm not tryin to make a fool of you. Well the trooth is that I don't know where is it. It seems like someone has hidDEM ETERnally the pers.'

'What? You lost my pers! You didn't think my APHRO is DITE enough and you lost my pers!'

Then, Dion keeps on yellin, the mountain starts shakin and HEPHA ES TUSsed from the mountain. Hepha learned to take care of HER Authoritative sista's stuff. THE END.

As you can see, I, the superintelligent and clever Hermes, spent hours and hours working on this. And with a very small change on the version of the story, I could find several names of my annoying brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles. As a reward, Athena burst of laughing in my very face, and told me that I won't find that amount of spelling mistakes even on a peasant dictionary. Ares looked at me as if I was an alien, and said: 'Hermes, who's your sponsor?'. Aphrodite said that she didn't have time to read it, and read the beginning and the end. Artemis told me that the peasant spoke better than me. And finally, Apollo didn't even bother himself in telling me anything. They are all a party of inepts that don't appreciate a great writer's good job. But Zeus read my story and undoubtedly he liked it. Sorry, Athena. HA HA HA! Maybe the next time you will reach the tenth part of what I the superintelligent genius Hermes did. They're asking me to finish now. (Poor family. They can't bear it when I say the truth about them). So, see you later!


	2. Aphrodite

APHRODITE

Hello. I'm Aphrodite, goddess of beauty and love. Zeus asked me to do some kind of presentation for all of us, which I'll do very pleased. They don't give me the opportunity of expressing myself too often, I don't know why.

I'm doing this because what Hermes did wasn't a real presentation, although he says it is, just because it has all our names. To tell the truth, it was only a little cheap story that was hor-ri-ble. He wanted me to read it. Yeah, sure. I wouldn't loose my time in such an idiot writing. Zeus wrote all our names in little papers and put them in a little brown bag, and picked one. Of course, it was me. I noticed the expression of disgust in my half- sisters' faces. And I heard a 'she won't be able to do it' from one of them. But that was because they were jealous.

OK, I'll start with Zeus. Zeus is the boss, which means he's authoritative and loves to give orders, although most of her rules are senseless. I mean, who is he to tell me that I have to take breakfast once a month at his house, with him and his boring wife Hera? Doesn't he know that Hera wants to kill me? Since I was chosen as the goddess of beauty, she doesn't stop making my life miserable. But I'll talk about her later, let's go back to Zeus. Another thing about him is that he's womanly and has tons of children. I don't know how Hera is still married with him. She's rare.

Hera, as I said before, is Zeus' wife and queen of the Olympus. She's so cold and arrogant. I'm scared of her. I mean, who knows what she's thinking about? Or if she's making a plot against you, or something.

Athena is the proud, arrogant, conceited, flippant and boring goddess of war and wisdom. Yeah, 'wisdom'. Sure. The other day, she came to me with: 'Aphrodite, why do you wear those revealing clothes? You should wear something more decent, darling.' 'This is my uniform, dahling', I answered. 'Aphrodite, you can change your uniform. Look at yourself. What will everybody think about you? You look like a cheap woman.' 'Yeah, whatever', I answered, and left the place. I mean, doesn't she and her great wisdom know that I am goddess of love and I have to wear this? I mean, duh. I mean, isn't she wise or something? Or does she want me to get dressed like her? I'm not that crazy. Anyway, she's nice when she wants to, and when she doesn't bother me with my clothes.

Hermes is the god of the thieves, trading and eloquence. But surely, he isn't the god of writing, after that presentation wannabe he made. He spends all the day teasing everybody. I think one of these days, somebody will throw him from some cliff. OK, OK, I had some kind of affair with him, but that was just one night, and I was sad because all that Hephaestus and Ares stuff. So, that wasn't my fault at all.

Now Apollo. I really don't understand him. What does he believe himself he is? I mean, just because he's the god of the sun he doesn't have to be that arrogant. Last week, while we were waiting for Zeus to start one of those boring meetings, he said: 'Aphrodite, watch for your son. He has been making trouble.' I was surprised. 'What has my son done to you? And what son of mine are you talking about?' 'Eros. He has been shooting his arrows as if he was mad or something.' ' And how has it affects you? Those arrows are inoffensive'. And instead of answering me, he turned to the other side and began talking to Athena! And he looked at me with that 'I have to comprehend her, she's blonde' face! But then, Artemis explained me that he was still affected by his episode with Daphne. Anyways, he's arrogant.

Artemis is Apollo's twin sister. She spends all the time at the woods, hunting. Doesn't she have a life? She only thinks about sports, sports and sports. And her clothes are hor-ri-ble. She will never get a boyfriend, although I doubt she wants one. She looks nice, sweet and stuff, but has a temper of the hell. Don't you dare to bother her or one of her nymphs. (Although her dear bro Apollo does it all the time.)

Ares is another one with no life. He spends all his time in wars, wars and wars, and although Athena beats him all the time, he keeps on bothering her. Almost nobody can bear him. I'm the only one who is merciful. He has some strange mix of Hera and Zeus' personality.

Aunt Hestia and aunt Demeter are nicer then all of my half-brothers and sisters. Although aunt Demeter always get mad at the mention of Hades. But that's another story.

Dionysus is the god of wine, and has a good temper. Well, except when Hermes starts calling him 'Bacchus' and 'Bacchus the Vacuous'. He's always throwing parties whenever he can, especially after his great loose of weight. I was shocked when I saw him. I mean, he used to be extremely fat, and suddenly he's thin. I don't know what did he do.

Hephaestus is the dumbest of all of us. I'm still wondering why Zeus made me marry him. I never liked him, he's so stupid. And the worst thing is that everybody likes him. He brings me bad memories; I won't talk about him anymore.

Uncle Poseidon is some kind of Zeus, but in the sea. He wastes his time trying to be better than Athena. I mean, hel-loo, you're the uncle, you're older. I mean, duh.

Finally, Uncle Hades. He almost doesn't visit us. I think he's resented with Zeus and Poseidon because they got the earth and the sea, and left him with the underworld. He says they always give him the worst because he's the youngest. I don't believe him.

OK, this was boring, but I finally finished describing my family. Most of them are arrogant and stupid. Sigh How hard its being me...


	3. Dionysus

DIONYSUS

I really don't understand why I'm doing this. Well, I understand... Nobody liked Aphrodite's presentation letter, except Hestia and Demeter. I guess she released all that she had against us, as Hermes told her: 'Express yourself, baby. Search inside of you. Come on, release it.' And Aphrodite released the glass she was holding (trough Hermes' head).

So, here I am. I have the mission of describing for you all the gods and goddesses of the Olympus. And of course, I'll start by Zeus.

Zeus is the father of all of us, except our uncles and aunts (duh). If he was a better father, I would talk more about him, but he never has time for his children, and is only wasting time with tons of women. But he has a good side: we all love him when he's sleeping.

Hera is Zeus' wife. She used to chase all Zeus' ex-girlfriends, women or whatever, and their children. But now she decided to take it easy, relax and start acting like the diva she is. Also, Zeus hasn't been giving her so much trouble these days.

Now, my three A sisters: Athena, Aphrodite and Artemis. Athena is the goddess of wisdom. She was born in Zeus' head. Some people say she's Metis' daughter, but I don't know because she never visits. She's beautiful, intelligent, strong, nice, but she needs to go out more. Every time I invite her to a party, she says 'Thanks, Dionysus. I really appreciate it.' But she never goes. Aphrodite is beautiful, blonde, joyful and loves to party. Although she tends to be somewhat... blondish at times, but it doesn't matter. I love her anyways. Artemis is strong and athletic, and even though she spends a lot of time hunting and doesn't worry about her personal appearance, she's really hot.

Apollo is the god of the sun, music, and other stuff I don't remember. If he wasn't so arrogant, maybe the girls would pay him more attention. He believes he's a king or something. Ares's arrogant, too, but that's because he's idiot. He doesn't do anything here, I don't know why he's a god.

Hephaestus is the god of fire and metals. He used to be Aphrodite's husband, but Ares stole her. It was all a mess when Hephaestus discovered them. That day nobody went to work, but they didn't let me give my opinion because they said I was too young. They always discriminate me.

Hermes is the god of thieves. And then they say being the god of the wine is stupid. At least I'm not always bothering people as he does. Poseidon is the god of the sea. He seems to be wise, and everybody thinks that he always has the answer to many of our problems, but don't be fooled by the reputation that he's got. He's as crazy as Z...ome gods around here. Hades is a freaky fellow who spends all the time in the underworld. We only see him when he comes with Persephone. But we don't care about him too much, anyway. Demeter is the goddess of gossip. I'm sure nobody has said that before, but that is the truth. She, Hestia and Hera spend all the time talking horribly about us. I didn't hear them, but I'm SURE that they do that because of the way they look at us when they're talking.

I don't know why I'm doing this. This is horrible. Hope Zeus like it. Well, I got to go. It's getting late for my party. Bye!


	4. Ares

ARES

Hello there. I think I'm having a nightmare, because I have to write this stuff. Yes, I'm a victim of Zeus and Athena, who plotted against me and made me write this now. I wish that now it ends.

Here is my description:

Zeus: father and boss.

Hera: mom.

Aphrodite: ex-girlfriend with no role here.

Poseidon: uncle who wants to be like Zeus.

Hades: my favorite uncle.

Demeter: Hades' mother-in-law and sister.

Hestia: the dumbest aunt of all.

Athena: Zeus' favorite child, I don't know why.

Apollo: frustrated musician.

Artemis: little girl with a big bow.

Hermes: idiot.

Dionysus: drunk guy that loves to party.

Hephaestus and Hebe: brother and sister.

I'm wasting time on this, you already know those stupid Greek gods. I'm leaving.


	5. Artemis

ARTEMIS

Greetings! I'm Artemis, goddess of hunting, the moon, childbirth and protectress of maidens. If you only could read the presentation letters that have been already done, you'd think we are crazy, or that we are doing some family diary. But the truth is that we are trying to get the mortals to know us better. Until now, Hermes, Aphrodite, Dionysus and Ares have tried with no results. Zeus rejected them as soon as he read them. Hermes' because it was senseless, Aphrodite's because she insulted most of us as if she was writing her 'dear diary', Dionysus' because it wasn't too descriptive and Ares' you only have to see it to know why. So sigh I'm here. It's not usual for me to do this kind of job. Usually, Hermes or Iris do that. But now it's my turn.

Well, we are twelve... and Dionysus and Hades. We live at the mount Olympus, although we spend most of the time down in earth. But Zeus and Hera prefer to spend theirs at the mount. I guess he enjoys watching us. He's the main god, and of course, the most powerful. It's true that he has lots of children, but after all, he's a good father. Hera is Zeus' wife. I'm not very fond of her, but we get along as long as we don't talk too much to each other. She's not _that _evil, but she tends to be somewhat cold with all Zeus' children that are not hers. She spends most of the time with Zeus, playing her queen role.

Apollo is my twin, god of the sun, music, arts and medicine. He's very handsome an intelligent. He's the god I spend most time with, although he's horribly overprotective. Almost everybody says he's arrogant, but that's not true. He's nice. Well, sometimes he can be proud, but he's really better than other gods that don't do nothing else but existing with no purpose. (coughcoughArescoughcough)

Hermes is the god of trading, thieves and eloquence, and Zeus' messenger. He gets along very well with all of us, but since he stole one of my nymphs, I can't help thinking he's another jerk in the long list we have here at the Olympus. He has been even with Aphrodite. Well, to be fair, _she_ came to _him, _and he (poor Hermes) found himself in the obligation of pleasing the love goddess. And they had their one-night-relationship. Their son Hermaphroditus, or however it is spelled, is not very thankful of them. Poor boy. Or girl. Or whatever it is.

Aphrodite, as I said before, is the goddess of beauty and love. Although the 'beauty' title was a very controversial one. Athena and Hera were applying for that title too, but something happened, and then, the Trojan war. That was ridiculous. In the end all was forgiven and forgotten, but the truth was that Athena and Hera felt pity for poor Aphrodite, goddess of _love, _and let her carry the 'beauty' next to the 'love', so she could feel useful. But I don't know how does it make her be more useful. Anyway, she's blonde. That's enough for her.

Athena is the goddess of wisdom, war and crafts. She's the most powerful after Zeus, although some people think is Hera. She's very quiet and clever. I don't see her too much, but we get along well. She's one of the few I can talk to, although she's a little proud, and likes to make everything in her way.

Ares is the god of war. I don't understand how he became the war god, since he's so clueless, impetuous and childish. I haven't had a conversation with him since he burnt one of _my_ cities, arguing that it was useless for me to have it, because I'm just a little maiden. Yeah, right. Look at who's talking, the guy who burns his own cities when he's bored. And then he says I'm a little maiden. Besides, why doesn't he burn one of Athena's cities? Is he scared of her? Well, I guess that last was a rhetoric question.

Dionysus is the god of drunkenness and wine. He's always inviting us to his parties, although I think that's just formalities. Not all of us like the idea of being in a place full of drunken people loosing time.

Hephaestus is the god of fire and metals. He looks scary and dangerous, but he's very kind, not like his stupid brother Ares.

And those were the Olympians. We don't see each other too often, only in the lunch of Sundays, meetings and parties. But we are better in that way. Sometimes is not very easy to get along together.

Well, hope to have given you an idea of how we are. Good bye!


	6. Apollo

From the desk of Apollo.

Like somebody said sometime, 'life is hard even for the immortals'. There are occasions when we have to do sacrifices in order to keep everything in its own place, and working well. Sometimes they are big sacrifices, and sometimes just small things we can't live without, but we have to leave behind. My sacrifice is leaving behind the relax day I was planning for months to write some kind of letter in which I have to describe the Olympians, aka, my family. And although I'm not too excited with the idea, I have to do it because it seems that there are not more people to write the letter. My family is not the subject that I like most to write about, sometimes they can be irritating, but it's my family. What else can I do? Besides, there is lots of false rum ours about us going around there. This is a good chance for me to show you who we really are.

First, I'll tell you about me. I'm the god of the sun, the music, arts, prophecy and healing. As you can see, I'm a very busy man who works very hard and is responsible, not like others. I live with the muses at the mount Parnassus, and don't spend more time than the necessary at the Olympus because I'm not very fond of the quarrels and arguments each time we meet there. Besides, they should learn to be more grateful. Each time they have a meeting, a party or a wedding they always ask me to play music. 'Apollo, you will play the lire in my wedding, won't you?' 'Apollo, can you bring the muses with you to my party?' 'Apollo', 'Apollo', 'aPOLLO!' And I, as a good brother, nephew, son, grandson, cousin, etc., always agree, because what else would I do? But those are the same people who talk behind my back and go around there telling everybody how arrogant and proud I am. 'I don't understand how someone can be so cold and arrogant. He looks at us as if he was superior or something. What does he believe himself?' And they do it all the time. If I am that arrogant, why do they bother themselves in asking me those favors? They are just a party of hypocrites that can't do anything else but gossip.

Zeus, our father, is the main god. He's the god of the thunderbolt, and I guess that's the main reason for the other gods to fear him. He is always trying to make us share like a 'happy' family, but all his family meetings don't work at all. Also, he spends a lot of time in the earth, and he carries Hermes with him to do his dirty job. He is married to Hera and they have four children: Ares, Hephaestus, Hebe and Ilythia.

Hera, the queen of the Olympus, is the goddess of marriage and is associated with the peacock. In my opinion, she's the arrogant one, not me. She doesn't like most of us because we are the children of Zeus' lovers, and she looks at us as if she wanted to kill us with her gaze, if that was possible.

I would skip the next part that includes the description of my uncles and aunts, if they hadn't make a revolution when they didn't hear their names in Artemis' presentation letter. But, as you can see, I can't do that now. So, here I go.

Poseidon is the god of the sea, the horses and earthquakes. I have always wondered what will someone who lives under the sea do with horses, but I guess that's not my business. He's married to Amphitrite, but he's had lots of girlfriends. I saw him the other day very friendly with aunt Hestia, I guess he cannot accept that she decides to remain virgin. Anyway, he's a good uncle. We spent a lot of time together when we where thrown out of the Olympus by Zeus. He's kind of temperamental. When he gets mad, he provokes earthquakes. He almost destroyed one of Hermes' cities just because Hermes told him that he was getting fat.

Hestia looks a lot like Hera, but she's more kind. She is the goddess of the home and the family. She almost never participates in our decisions; she only stays sited there without saying one word. Some of the other goddesses should learn more about her, especially if it's a blonde one who never says something logic or useful.

Hades is the god of the underworld. He doesn't take part in our decisions, either, but that's because he doesn't visit. He and his wife Persephone seem to be a happy couple, and in my opinion, that's really a mystery.

Demeter is the goddess of the harvest. She is in charge of all the plantations, except in winter, when she leaves her responsibility, because she misses her daughter so much. (awwww…)

My siblings are very special people that can't be described very easily. In fact, I would say that they can be complicated to write about. But anyway, I'll make an effort to do it right. Here I go.

Artemis, my dear and beloved twin sister, is the goddess of the moon, the childbirth, the hunt, the maidens, the woods, the wild and the maidenhood. (Double stripe under the last one). She spends the whole day hunting in the woods with her nymphs, and will kill every man that dares to approach her in an excessively friendly way. And if she doesn't, I will.

Athena is the goddess of the war, wisdom, arts and crafts. Her favorite animal is the owl, so you can see that she has a rather strange taste. She also decided to remain virgin, although I doubt that if she hasn't she would find a man that could bear being the boyfriend-lover-husband of such an authoritative and commanding woman. Oh, wait, I was forgetting about Hephae… never mind. She reminds me a lot of Zeus. I guess that's why she's his favorite daughter.

Aphrodite is the goddess of beauty and love, which gives her a lot of time to complain, gossip and make embroils everywhere she goes. It's not her hair color, because Hera, Hestia, Artemis and I are blondes. If only she didn't wear those who…..rrible clothes, we would take her more seriously, I'm sure of that.

Ares is the god of the war. He is the one who hates the most all Zeus' family meetings especially because dad makes him seat beside Athena, and he's not very fond of her. In fact, I think he's afraid of her. He, like Aphrodite, loves to make embroils, and when we have to make some decision, he always wait until everybody has voted to vote the opposite. So, we never finish. That's because he has nothing else to do.

Hermes is the god of the thieves, eloquence and trading. He likes to share with everyone, and makes very bad jokes. 'Hey, Apollo, what's the similarity between an apple and a grape?' 'What?' 'That you can't make orange juice with any of them'. I was like 'OK…'

Hephaestus is the god of the fire and spends all the day in his workshop. He is lame because his loving mother threw him from the Olympus because she didn't want a misshapen son.

So we are the Olympians. Although many of them don't behave like divinities. I would like to say that we are a normal family, but we are not. That's why I spend most of my time with the muses. And Artemis, of course.

Well, people, I have finally arrived to the end, and now it's my time to go. Wish you have a nice day.

Sincerely, Phoebus Apollo.


	7. Athena

ATHENA

Dear Worshippers (and the rest of the mortals too):

Today is a very special day. Today you will reach the maximum and most excellent knowledge in the Universe. Rejoice, celebrate, be happy, dance, drink but don't get drunk. I am very pleased to be the one who guides you through the walls of the Mount Olympus and show you who the Greek Divinities are by giving you a short description of who they are and what are their roles here.

I will start with the First Generation Divinities who are Zeus, Hera, Hestia, Poseidon, Hades and Demeter.

Zeus

Zeus although is the youngest, is the main god. He rules everything here. Sometimes he doesn't make the most brilliant decisions but in the end he usually makes up for it. He is married to his twin sister, Hera, which is as if Artemis and Apollo got married, and they have four children who are Ares, Hephaestus, Hebe and Ilythia from whom I will talk about the first two, who are the important ones.

Hera

Hera is the goddess of the marriage and the peacock. She rules everything here as long as Zeus doesn't disagree, or as long as he is not here, and the last one is the most likely.

The rest

Hestia, Poseidon, Hades and Demeter are pretty independent gods who leave the meetings when they want and complain a lot about Zeus being such a time waster. So, I guess they'll be doing their own presentations when they feel like it.

Having described the older gods, it is now the turn of the Second Generation Divinities.

Hermes

Hermes is the god of trading, eloquence and thieves. He is also our messenger and travels with Zeus in all of his journeys. He is not married but he has a stable on-and-off relationship with Aphrodite, who doesn't seem to get enough of him ever although he annoys her a lot and enjoys it too. About his personality, he is pretty nice but most of the time he is just plain ridiculous. And also, is infatuated with Aphrodite like the rest of the male beings.

Aphrodite

Aphrodite is the goddess of beauty and love. She does not do anything aside checking her appearance, fooling around and flirting the whole day. So, her existence is very pleasant. She is the mother of many kids and lover of several men, including Hermes.

Artemis

Artemis is the goddess of the woods, the hunt, the maidenhood, the moon and has the Golden Bow. She has a special hate for men other than Orion and spends all the day hunting with all her nymphs.

Apollo

Apollo is the god of the sun, medicine and a lot of things he likes to boast about. He has the silver bow, rides the chariot of the sun and flirts with Artemis' nymphs because he doesn't dare to flirt with my priestess. I really don't know how he manages to do all this in one day because he seems to be the whole day at the spa receiving massages. He is very cheeky and needs desperately to get a girlfriend so he can quit acting like a diva.

Ares

Ares is the god of the war. He has a special hate for the common sense and sometimes does pretty stupid things, which is just natural. He used to be in love with Aphrodite but she messed thing up and he ended up not wanting to be anywhere nears her. Hopefully someday he will grow up and act like an adult for once.

Hephaestus

…is the god of metals.

And this is the end of my letter. It was way shorter than I expected but I hope to have given you a clear insight of the Olympians life. Now it's up to you to get your own conclusions about us. If you have questions or comments, feel free to send them via Hermes.

Farewell,

Pallas Athena

goddess of wisdom, war, arts and crafts.

A/N: Well, that was last letter, finally. I know that maybe it is not worth the long wait but here it is, I just couldn't leave Athena's letter. I'm sorry it took me so long but I started it like three or four times and still I'm not quite satisfied with it but I hope you've enjoyed it :)

Thanks A LOT to DarlingKittystar, Un Petit Diable, Hades Gal-pal, Queen Bellatrix Riddle, Thuong Tran, magereader895, Wingsofthefae, MasteroftheIceblade, leynia and tHe vOiCe WiThiN for your wonderful reviews. You guys are amazing :)


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